Left Behind
by T Bishop
Rated: PG (I can't believe it myself)
Category: MSR
Summary: Scully reflects upon her last moments with Mulder.
Disclaimer: This Mulder and Scully are mine.  CC has his own to 
play
with.
Author's Note: Thanks to David, Char, Shoshana, and Shell - my 
beta
krewe.  And to Grasshopper for keeping up the archive.
Feedback: Eagerly awaited at tbishop27@mindspring.com

You can find all my stories archived at 

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LEFT BEHIND


I didn't want to let him go.  

We made love that afternoon in his apartment and afterwards I 
felt
so sick at my stomach, because deep down a part of me knew... As 
he
packed his bag he kept stealing looks at me lying there in his 
bed,
naked and vulnerable, trying not to let my tears fall.

"You're so beautiful, Scully," he told me with apologetic eyes 
and a
voice strained with emotion.  "So damn beautiful."

He was worried about me, about the dizzy spells and the fainting. 
He never said it, but I could see it in his eyes - eyes I'd 
learned
to read like a book after all our years together.  And that 
afternoon
as he prepared to go to Oregon without me, those eyes told me so 
many
things that Mulder couldn't bring himself to say.

I wondered if he could read me as easily.  Did he know that I was
scared?  Could he see how painful it was for me to let him go on 
this
case without me?  Was it plainly written in the blue of my eyes, 
the
anxiety that was playing havoc in my heart and mind as I watched 
him
watching me?  

"Scully... I'll be okay," he tried to reassure me as he stuffed 
the
last of the field gear into his bag.  "Come on, you're sending 
the
Marines with me, aren't you?"

"Skinner's hardly a platoon," I tried to argue, frowning at his
attempt to make light of my concerns.

"I'm not going off to war, either."  His smile failed.

"Maybe."  It certainly felt that way.  Like he was shipping out 
and
might never return to me.  I didn't like being left behind as my
partner set off to battle our enemies.  I was used to being on 
the
front lines.

Mulder sat down on the edge of the bed beside me and shook his 
head.
"Scully, I don't want you worrying about me.  I'll call you and 
tell
you everything that's happening.  You go over the files on the 
other
victims.  Maybe there's something there that will explain why 
these
particular abductees, and why now.  Hopefully you can establish 
some
sort of pattern that might help predict who's at risk."

I nodded, accepting my orders like a good soldier; and he leaned
over and placed a gentle kiss on my forehead.  "I want you to 
promise
me you'll think about what I said.  About there needing to be an 
end."

I shut my eyes because I couldn't stand the look he was giving me
just then.  Regret - it called out dolefully from his heart to 
mine. 
I didn't want him to regret our partnership.  And it frightened 
me to
think that he might regret our newly born love affair.  He caught 
the
lone tear that finally betrayed me, brushing it away with his 
thumb. 
"I love you, Scully.  I want you to know that."

I sat up and threw my arms around his neck, hugging him as tight 
as
I could.  "I love you too, Mulder... so much, so so much," I
whispered my declaration against his ear.  It was the first time 
I'd
said those words to him; and I felt him draw in a sudden shaky 
breath
at my confession.  The tears fell freely then; I couldn't hold 
them
back anymore.  He wrapped me in a warm embrace and we stayed that 
way
for a long time - but not nearly long enough to ease my aching 
heart.  

All too soon he was pulling back and wanting me to let him go.  I
had the strangest feeling come over me.  I wanted to beg him to 
stay,
cling to him and refuse to allow him to make that trip without 
me.  I
couldn't reason it away or understand why I felt so terribly 
needy at
that moment.  Or why a normally reserved and sensible FBI agent 
had
suddenly become such an emotional wreck.  I'd been
uncharacteristically weepy all week.  I could tell that worried
Mulder too - seeing me so fragile; but I couldn't help myself, 
the
feelings I was experiencing were overwhelming.

"I gotta go, Scully," he said firmly, having to physically pry my
arms from around his neck to do so.  

I was close to panic as I watched him stand to take his leave. 
Silently I admonished myself for being so weak and dependent.  
Out
loud I said, "I'll drive you to the airport," knowing full well 
he'd
refuse.

"No."  He gave me a quick kiss on the lips.  "You rest here. 
Skinner is picking me up.  I don't want you driving any more than
necessary until you have that vertigo checked out.  Okay?"

"'Kay."  I sniffed and attempted to dry my face with icy cold 
hands.
That's when he leaned forward and kissed me again, but this time 
it
was a solemn and passionate good-bye kiss, sweet with hope and 
bitter
with finality.  Our lips pressed together softly at first, 
becoming
desperate and hungry as the dark promise of impending separation
weighed upon our hearts.  Premonitions of ominous foreboding 
swept
over me like a cold north wind, causing me to shiver as his lips 
left
mine for the last time.  

With trembling fingers I unfastened the clasp of the gold chain I
habitually wore around my neck as a symbol of my faith - but also 
of
something else.  The tiny cross suspended from those delicate 
links
now a representation of more than mere belief in a higher power; 
it
had become our talisman, our mascot.  I held it up between us
briefly, watching it shimmer in the late afternoon sunlight that
streamed in through Mulder's bedroom window; and then he knelt 
beside
the bed, bowing his head so I could bestow upon him the blessing. 
 

When he looked up at me there were tears shimmering in his eyes; 
and
he bit his lower lip to steel himself, ever the brave knight.  I
reached out and lay my palm against his cheek; he leaned into it,
shutting his eyes and letting his tears escape one after another, 
in
large sorrowful drops.  

"I can't explain it, but it... it always comes back to me 
somehow,"
I told him of the necklace through my own trembling chin and 
leaking
eyes.  He knew, of course.  That's why he'd accepted it, nodding 
his
understanding of the meaning of my gift.  He wiped away his tears 
and
rose to his feet again.  

"And so will I," he promised.  And with the utterance of that 
final
vow, Mulder left me behind...


~NOT THE END~


Life is to short to drink bad wine.